After a good three weeks of being well behaved and exercising restraint, I capitulated and had a mini-rampage of gluttony. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say that I was very much off-plan today. Extra Easy became Extra Lazy. It seems like such a good idea at the time! But when the crumbs settle, the guilt flows over me like someone has cracked a giant egg on my scalp and it trickles slowly down my head; a cold and gloopy mess of regret and shame. Who knew food could be so dramatic?!
In the good old early days of Slimming World, weigh-in day was also shameless nosebag day – I’d enjoy everything I scoffed because I knew I had earned it. It didn’t matter how much I ate, getting back to business the next day and for the rest of the week meant my weightlosses kept coming. Then again, that was when I had lots to lose. Nowadays, I find it hard to generate a sense of achievement, therefore any ‘treat day’ feels illicit and undeserved. My relationship with food is seriously out of perspective, and has led me to the conclusion that I will always be fat. ‘Fat’ is a state of mind. A personality, a trait, a predispostion. It’s up to you whether or not it manifests itself physically. I said in a very early post that ‘fat’ was such a hurtful term as it conjures up other undesirable adjectives – weak, greedy, selfish. Truth be told, I am all these things. I find it hard to resist the temptation of sweets and chocolate; when I do indulge, I just want to repeat the delightful experience over and over because it tastes good; and most of all, I certainly do not want to share! In addition to all of these, I am irrational. Irrational and hungry.
Not a great combination! But at least I recognise my weaknesses now. I know there are times when I can’t be trusted to keep on the straight and narrow. Today was one of those times. I was in the house all day on my own as I was waiting on a gas engineer to sort out my boiler (not nearly as sexy as it sounds). I also let myself get quite hungry. When I have a lot on my mind, I tend to turn my brains inside out by thinking and overthinking, to the point where I need to switch off and find some kind of release. Cigarettes can only do so much, I don’t really drink, and I don’t bother with drugs; so food is my go-to thing. Believe me, the marriage of hunger and nervous energy is a potent union! So I throw myself into it, and try to rationalise my bingeing by telling myself “it’s ok, it’s just today, I deserve it, I’ll be good tomorrow”. Rather than have one naughty meal/snack, I go all out. In for a penny, in for a pound. I shouldn’t have even put myself in that danger zone. I should have filled up on free foods, drank lots of water, got out of the house, found something else to do. But I didn’t. It was easier to revert to type, and just be fat for the day. Truth be told, I sometimes miss indulging the ‘fat’ side of my personality. It’s fun! At the time. Living in the moment and all that.
But then comes the guilt. You’d think I’d have come to terms with all this crap at this stage, but no such luck. My guilty reaction is equally as irrational as my attempts to justify the binge in the first place. As soon as I fall off the wagon, I instantly feel like I’ve put on weight and that it’s instantly noticeable. I don’t want to put on weight again, ever. So then I panic. Panic that people are going to see me and think I look physically fat again. Now I know that is completely irrational, I know that now six hours after the event. But in another six hours, I’ll feel the same again. The guilt will return and I’ll wonder why I consciously decided to impede my weightloss. How stupid of me. How weak, greedy and selfish of me. How fat of me. See my point? There’s a Slimming World inspiration quote somewhere that tell us to say to ourselves “I am a slim person, but I am just overweight at the minute”. I am paraphrasing there, but the essence of the quote remains. I guess it’s a comforting way to look at things, but the opposite for me is true:
“I am a fat person, but I am just slimmer at the minute”!
This weightloss success story is always on a wing and a prayer, maintaining a normal weight is the dream and will be the real success story. There but for the grace of God etc. So if you’re a fat person reading this, chances are you may always be fat on the inside; but if you give yourself a chance, you don’t have to be fat on the outside anymore. Your brain will catch up in time. While that’s happening, you can throw yourself into all the things that being a normal weight offers, and live the life you deserve.
For me, tomorrow means back on the wagon. Again. Whether or not my lapse has an effect on Mondays weigh-in remains to be seen, but I hope I get lucky and maintain Mondays weight, or maybe even sneak a pound loss. Hopefully I manage to avoid dangerous situations like today! What a ramble.
Thinking skinny thoughts,